Self No. 19 (Feb. 12, 2011)

I’m disappearing

Belong No longer here

Not quite, but almost

I noticed that ever since I started the 100 Days of self-portraits, I hadn’t painted a picture. Last night, after listening to the Clarion 2011 Professional Photography Teleseminar, by marketing goddess Selina Maitreya, I did a quick one-color oil pastel. The teleconference got very gloomy. I loved it, like I love the idea of breaking new markets so that I can get more opportunities to take photos, and get paid for it. On the other hand, these seminars for photographers make me feel sad. Am I the only one?

I guess I tried to make it, to break new markets for many years. While I was very successful at what I was doing, there was always more to be attained. I don’t need to gain recognition and win contests to keep creating. I just have to keep creating.

The teleconference reminded me that I’m tired of being in the frame of mind of trying: trying to win contests, trying to get a dream assignment, trying to open new doors. But I’m also sad that I’m tired of trying. Am I losing ambition by being satisfied with where I am?

I often wonder if, perhaps, I’m not trying hard enough. But the fact is that I’m tired of trying “to make it.” I choose to be happy with what I have. Now I wonder, can I be happy with what I have and still try to break new grounds? And then I wonder again, can I break new ground artistically instead of promotionally? Can one be separated from the other?

I blog, yes, I blog, mostly about myself. And sometimes it sickens me because I feel like I’m doing shameless self-promotion. I thought this blog was a way of telling friends and family what I was up to. But I realize today that I blog about my self as an exploration. Because I’m what I know best, and yet I don’t know myself.

Self No. 18

I feel like hiding

Under the covers of truth?

Deep inside my thoughts

Self No. 17

Darkness surrounds me

Like a box of chocolates

Almost Valentine’s